Anyone who knows me will have been bored beyond all patience by my frequent mocking of the silly nonsense talked about our food, mostly by wealthy, well-fed, white women with no real problems to worry about. I am talking of course about daft cults like veganism, organic and ‘natural’ foods, so-called ‘immune-boosting superfoods (ha, ha!), fad diets unsupported by science, anti-GMO, etc. etc.
So if even I feel I have no choice but to warn you about a new food technology (known as Ignis) then you know it must be worth taking notice. I must emphasise that everything below is indisputable fact, and I can back it up with as many credible references as you like. Every scientist in the world would, I am sure, agree with these statements.
This latest little wheeze from Bill Doors[1] and Big Pyro is extremely dangerous, but before I tell you why, let me repeat the claims made for this devilish technology.
They say that using Ignis has the following advantages;
- Ignis makes food taste better.
- Ignis makes food easier to eat.
- Ignis makes food easier to digest.
- Ignis increases the food supply by increasing the range of foods that we can eat.
- Ignis aids farmers to reduce unwanted weeds etc. and so helps produce more food.
- Ignis helps fertilise the earth and so produce more food.
- Ignis reduces your need for calories and can help you cut your food intake.
- Ignis can reduce toxic chemicals in some foods, making them safe to eat.
- Ignis kills or reduces dangerous bacteria and viruses in foods, making them safe to eat.
However, what they don’t tell you is this (and remember, these are all stone-cold facts);
- Ignis makes food carcinogenic.
- Ignis emits dangerous radiation that has killed and maimed millions of people.
- Ignis is so dangerous it can damage or even destroy buildings it comes into contact with.
- Ignis destroys vitamins and other nutrients in food.
- Ignis emits highly toxic particles that can cause cancer and a range of serious respiratory conditions. Millions of people have had their lives shortened or ended by exposure to Ignis-generated particles.
- Ignis has never been independently tested for safety.
- Even Big Pyro admit that Ignis is not safe for children or animals.
- Most animals are scared of Ignis and avoid it as much as possible.
- Ignis has destroyed millions of acres of forest around the world, including vast areas of the Amazon.
- Ignis prevents you from burning calories and hence contributes to obesity.
- Ignis is essential in making GMOs, nerve poisons and other toxic chemicals.
- Scientists are using Ignis to make genetically engineered versions of common foods to reduce the carcinogens actually created by Ignis in the first place!
- Ignis kills friendly bacteria that help maintain a healthy gut microbiome, the lack of which can lead to many unpleasant and dangerous consequences.
I urge you all to warn everyone you know about this deadly technology. Share the information on reliable sources of news, such as FakeBook™ and Twatter™. Don’t let these Evil Scientists get away with their dastardly plans!
PS. A smattering of a classical education will help. 😉
[1] Discworld fans will get the reference to Death in ‘Reaper Man’ and a well-known Evil Genius.